The resentful parent

We are all the sum of our parts. It is true as a parent. We are at different times the happy parent, sad parent, good parent, bad parent, angry parent, loving parent etc etc. But the part we push aside the most is the resentful parent. It is the part we are most afraid to acknowledge and accept. It is the part that is never spoken about. But it exists. In all of us I would like to believe.

I have in me a strong resentful parent. The one that rears it's ugly head every time a holiday ends, or I have to say no to a party or cancel plans with a friend. Every time I want to sleep in late or read a book and not answer an endless string of whys. It is the part of me that mourns the loss of the life I could have had.

I read somewhere that we all have other lives, the lives we 'could've' had which follow our reality like ghost ships. It is so true. Yet we must put our ghost ships to rest, we must weigh the pros and cons and choose our lives and let the others go with love, knowing we were not meant for each other in this lifetime.

As a parent, I have chosen my life with my son. I have chosen to not abandon him and to give him the best bits of myself. For that very reason I acknowledge and accept my resentful parent voice. It is real. It is my truth. It is a part of me. But it is not all of me. Letting it know it is heard and understood takes away it's power to become a large beast in my head. It let's me be in control again of my life and my decisions.

Choosing my son made me let go off many other 'lives' I could have led. Traveler, filmmaker, nymphomaniac, beach bum...I may incorporate some of these into the life I lead today, I may not. But I know that the choice is mine. All I have to do is listen to every part of me. And embrace all the ugly little bits which make me whole.